So today I have 4 months of sobriety. It just sucks because it’s a struggle every day. I know though that I have to take this addiction on one day at a time and can’t try to predict what the future will look like. For now I know what now looks like and I will do everything I can in the moment to prevent myself from relapsing. Just yesterday I was incredibly close to having a slip but luckily stopped myself before it got out of hand. I called my sponsor and I’ve got to say that having someone there to talk to who has gone through the same stuff and counsel with them about my actions was a huge help. I love my fiance with all my heart, but whenever I’m struggling with something in my addiction, it’s not a good topic to bring up to her, because a) she doesn’t entirely understand how I am struggling so she thinks she’s not enough for me and b) she will get angry with me because I am struggling. This just kind of sucks because the 12 step model in general doesn’t expect you to be perfect which is great because otherwise it’d be very discouraging for many people when they relapse, but I feel like my fiance expects me to be perfect. This is just difficult because every meeting I go to they read what is SAA and say that “progress rather than perfection is the atmosphere we seek to promote.” Now it isn’t that I’m trying to have an excuse to relapse or anything like that, but I feel so afraid that if I do relapse that Marissa will leave me and my whole world will come crashing down. This places an enormous amount of stress on me which consequently makes me want to act out more so than usual. This is quite ironic since her expectation of perfection is actually what’s causing it to be harder on me to maintain my sobriety. I must say though I have grown so much since I first started in the program. I have a sponsor who I meet with weekly now, and I’ve maintained 4 solid months of sobriety! Before I entered the program the longest I had ever gone without acting out was a month, so I definitely owe the program my gratitude for the progress I’ve made. However, I was reminded yesterday of how day to day my sobriety is by almost relapsing. I have to remember not to take any day or situation for granted and make sure I am constantly monitoring my activities to make sure that they aren’t a slippery slope waiting to lead me to a relapse. I just pray to God everyday that he can help me not to act out for the day and know I can call my sponsor if I find myself in trouble which is a huge help. End rant

Hey I doubt there’s really anyone following me currently who cares about this, but I’ll post my story tomorrow, because I’m tired and going to bed now. Good night.

So after looking back at my first post on tumblr, which for those of you who don’t know was me replying to a message that at the time my ex, Marissa sent me after kicking me out of the house when she’d found out I’d been trying to get with one of her friends, I realized that my response was really me working the first step of the 12 steps. (I’m happy to report that we are back together and happier than ever by the way). It’s crazy though to see that especially since I didn’t even know that I’d be working a 12 step program or had any inclination that I was working a step at the time. But rereading that was very good and powerful for me, because it was the point where I hit bottom. I’ve been reading through a couple of books on recovery and sex addiction, and they both mention the point of hitting bottom, which for those of you who don’t know is when someone finally has a very tramautic experience in their life or simply have a small event which makes them realize that they’re tired of living the way their living and admit that they need help. For me personally I feel that my bottom was very low, but there are people who’s bottoms are much lower than mine. For me, I had just lost my first love who was pregnant with my son. This was finally the time where I woke up out of my addiction long enough to acknowledge that I had a serious problem. This is something that is a huge step for people, because once you realize that you have a problem, you can start the recovery process. I’m happy to report that to date, I am 2 months and 2 weeks sober. For people who are working a 12 step program or just starting one, read my first post. This is definitely a good model for a first step to be taken at least in my opinion.

i did and still do love you the way you loved me. i’d still give my life for you i love you so much. i’m not trying to excuse my behavior, but i kno i need help. there’s a serious underlying issue here its not bcuz i don’t love you that i did this. i did this in a split second decision bcuz i don’t yet know how to control my urges. it’s very much like drugs but i’m getting help for it. much more than i did last time anyway. this time i’m going to a counselor/therapist for sex addiction cuz i feel that’s what i have, and i kno i’ve lost you because of it. i need to better myself and its gonna take a long time, but it’s worth it. i doubt i’ll ever find anyone ever again as perfect as you and that makes me very sad, but it’s also my motivation to get better. last time i honestly made some good breakthroughs and was able to stay “sober” if you will. but jst like most drug users that try to quit i relapsed. i know you and i are no longer a possibility, but i don’t ever want to hurt anyone the same way i hurt you. i doubt i’ll ever be able to forgive myself for this, but in order to make myself a better person i’ll have to try. i just want you to kno that i love you still and love our son very much. i can’t wait to meet him, and i’d like to give him the best life we can while we aren’t together. i kno that our son will be a handsome baby boy and that you will be an amazing mother to him. i jst pray that you realize that even though you may hate me right now i’m still the father and our son needs to see me. i’ll wait though until you’re ready to talk tho. i’m not in anyway upset with your reaction tho. it’s exactly what i needed to finally beat this addiction. and i kno i can. i hope all is well at your house and with baby shia, rebel, the pugs, annabella, nani, and even jasmine. Tell Denise and Larry that i very much appreciate them allowing me to live in their home for the past few months, and that i’ll pay for a bed for you to have since we threw out your old one. hope to hear from you soon and i hope you’re ok.

Love,

Brandon